Saturday, April 07, 2007
Yeah feeling absolutely depressed, Partly coz my sister is home and I am not. I miss her, and everyone else. Partly coz I have a lot of work to catch up with. Partly coz I am fat and ugly and stupid and I look damn young that even to watch NC16 movie I have to be checked. Damnit! Bad mood-ing.
I was typing a post about past two days, but I gave up, will continue tomorrow when I have the mood to.
I decorated the top of my laptop, coz I can't stand seeing those scratches. They remind me that I haven't been taking good care of it, I feel guilty. Now that they're covered up, I don't see them and not more damages will be done.
I miss a decent grounded bed, not one that you have to climb up to. I miss sticking my body to the wall when I sleep. I miss talking to roommate across the room while lai4 chuang2-ing on my bed. I miss singing aloud in the room and not having to worry about disturbing others.
I hate growing up. I think I am damn childish and immature. I don't think, talk and behave like my age. I don't know what is appropriate. I freaking can't help looking clumsy and stupid when I do stuff, especially when I eat. I miss the time when you can put everything aside and just enjoy yourself, and not have your homework and responsibility constantly at the back of your mind. I miss doing all the wrong things and just laugh about it, not doing the wrong things and feel absurd about not behaving your age. I hate taking every step, spilling every word with great cautiousness, its so tiring. But thats the only way to make myself a lil more disciplined (well at least to myself it appears so)
Life has so many complications. what is it that I truly want out of it? Achievements? Or just to enjoy every moment of it? I lost it, I lost the drive. I know what I should want two years down the road. But is it what I want? It is, partly. But its damn bloody hard for me, for reasons you won't be interested in. The physical and mental tiredness I can bear with, but not the constant emotional struggle. I hate going to bed at night, all drained and exhausted and teary wondering why I am doing what I am doing. Its so bloody tiring. There's this big burden on my shoulders that cannot be alleviated. Its from within. Doing everything makes me feel guilty. Its like everything is wrong and nothing is right anymore. And its no longer as easy and talking to Bel and SL about it. I feel worse after, coz they have their own worries and obligations. Thank you my blog, at least you are just there for me.
If I could think less, it would've been less painful. But now its so painful, feels so raw. And I just have to keep going and stop looking behind.
Now as I think about it right. Guilt is pretty much a very big component of my life. I feel guilty about every bloody single thing that has not gone well: activities that I planned, activities that I participated in, bad relationships, could-have-been achievements, results, things that I did, things that I said. Every freaking little thing. Even SL is surprised at this when I talked to her about it. I hate looking at the past, no matter how much I enjoyed, because I know it could've been better, there must be some way to make it better, and I didn't do accordingly. I lost touch with my primary school friends, coz I had bad records in primary school. I only barely keep in touch with my Msia sec school friends coz I am afraid to see them and be judged about how much better or worse I have become. I don't contact my SC friends and classmate, coz I don't know if they actually liked me at all, I mean, I really don't matter. In Red Cross, I don't have the face to meet my seniors because I think I had been so bad, they didn't like me. In Oldham, I think I hadn't been good enough too. In ACJC, I can't help but think that I am a burden to the gang, although we seemed to be having fun. In SA, don't know yet. You get the picture? Ya thats what I mean, I know that it is stupid.
Ah are my parents to be blamed for this? Their daughter is actually struggling, emotionally. Painful. No they are innocent. Its just me, being silly. Its used to be easy to dismiss those thoughts till now, everything just spills over at the end of the day, and I breakdown. The no of times I broke down this year must've been more than the total in the past four years.
Oh God, please give me strength, see me through this. I felt comforted by the movie yesterday, but it was so fleeting, it only lasted for a very short while. Please come and talk to me. Tell me that everything will be fine.
I haven't had my dinner!!!! So hungry! I shall drink milk and eat cereal. I feel much better now, thank you for reading. And don't mind what I said, if you really want, tell me you love me :D
SINCERELY PLEASE!
oh no I actually broke down while typing. Again. What an ugly sight.
Y10:59 pm
