If you don't see the stars twinkle at night,
it doesn't mean that they are not there.
They're just hidden behind the clouds
and you will surely see them shine again.

After the sun the rain,
after the rain the sun,
the best days will come when the storm is over
and you will treasure it more than ever.

Dear readers of my blog,

Could you please kindly tag or leave a comment when you visit my blog? So that I know I am not talking to myself.

Thank you :)

Ahh Talking to myself is boring!! Especially when I talk about stuff and nobody responds :(

BORING!

So,

I don't care who you are! You better leave a comment or tag EVERYTIME you read this blog! actually I do care, I want to know who cares or me, or otherwise haha :) So far there's only Szeching, Szeching and more Szeching, she's my loyal reader. K and there's Bel, sometimes Aylwin and CB, and Meow. Who else? I don't know. But the counter seems to be jumping quite fast.

Anyway, that is not the point.

The point is,

I will say it for the last time,

TAG!

I know my blog is boring and all, but I don't care! You can suggest topics for me to blog about if you want, the thing is:

You read, you tag!

Its the same as you litter, you pay!!!

Muahahaha insanity.

I would be very delighted if my thoughts and words could flow so naturally and fluently like water during exams or when I do homework. But they don't, they only come to me at the wrong time. And they are silly thoughts that make me sad and miserable, and they make me thing that there is no meaning to life. Whatever I am clinging onto is futile, then why live? I have been thinking about it for days, not sure if its due to PMS or what. I feel really sad about life, so meaningless, well, the devil of death welcomes us to his paradise with open arms at the end of the day anyway. SO what's the point? Of course I can give you all the reason, but I can't convince myself. When I think of how I will have to part with my family and friends, sooner or later, I feel so sad, Just like part of me has already wilted.

I am afraid of death. I truly am, since I learned about it years ago. I try to convince myself its the destiny of man, its nothing to be afraid of, its what I have to face at the end of the day, I just can't help it but shiver every time I think about it. This really sucks!!! I want to be one of those people who are so carefree, who can live their lives like there's no tomorrow, who is never fearful of what happens tomorrow. Sigh. I guess I really need to get a good grip of my life, so that I can stop thinking so much.

I feel like I have let so many friends down. You are always there for me, but I don't know if I have been there for you, or maybe not at all. Christabel, AC gang, Andrew, Aylwin and Tim, Sue Lin, Sing Hun, Chi Wei: especially you all. I don't know how other people can have all the time in the world to do this and that, work and play hard and still have time for their friends. I don't know how. I am learning. I am learning to take control of my life. I don't want it to just past fleetingly like that with no significance made. I will, from now on, try harder to manage my time better.

On a lighter note, I met Sue Lin today. Its like meeting a member of my family. We are totally comfortable with each other. We had total fun together, although we didn't do much. Had dinner, dessert, walked around aimlessly, talked about anything and everything. You know its damn true when you stop judging each other and solely accept the other party for who he or she is, same goes to your other half. I am glad I have such a close friend :D Its a blessing from God. We are going to crash Sing Hun's house on Thursday night since Friday is a public holiday :) Its gonna be fun.

Well I do admire Sue Lin for the enthusiasm she has for everything, and the strong will to just move on, no matter how unpleasant circumstances might be. I understand that she is having a tough time in RJ, she isn't enjoying herself. But she takes it on like its nothing. So why can't I? Why do I have to complain and whine about everything? Just ADAPT and accept! and stop complaining. She doesn't have many friends there, she stepped out of her comfort zone too. She has her hard times, but she deals with and overcomes them. I too, should be able to do the same. So why am I not doing it? Why am I forever relying on people around me? Why am I always seeking for that comfort? Why did I lose interest in things I loved? Shopping, playing sports. I think the only thing I will truly enjoy now is going Kbox. But then again, I hardly even sing nowadays, not even when I am alone. This is so ironic.

Sorry for this rather pointless post. I am very confused about myself now. As in about my life. On one hand I'm gaining control of it in many aspects, but I feel weak, I feel that something is lacking. Something that keeps me going. Its missing, and I am still searching for it. I lost the passion for anything in life. And I am searching for it so that my life will be purposeful again.

I called my dad just now, and my eyes swelled with tears as I talked to him. I have no idea why I am so emo, I just am. I want to spend every minute of my time with them, but its not possible.
Ahh I can't ramble on like this, I will die. How?? How?? How??

Well that aside, life goes on. I have homework homework and more homework. Heh mugging in the library tomorrow! I feel so guai, guai to the extend that I myself cannot believe it!! Wahaha. Maybe we can start the muggers' club. I shall be the president! haha. I need to read the John Sloman textbook!! And the Arnold one. I pray that I will find it in the library tomorrow! Haha then I ll be very happy! Wahaha.

I did some rearrangement to the songs in my Itunes. It took me hours, retyping the titles of the Chinese songs. Yes I listen mainly to Mandarin songs, call me Cheena or whatever. I am taking two Cheena subjects out of the four anyway. Anyway, I have tonnes and tonnes of Jacky Cheung's songs coz of my sister! Her bf loves him so she has the full collection of the songs, except for his newest album. I don't know what to do with them, I don't particularly like him or anything, so on one hand its annoying to have about 10-15% of the songs belonging to him, on the other hand its seems like such a waste to delete everything and I don't know which are nice! I think if I can stop throwing myself into this kind of dilemmas I will be happier. But being a true Libran, I can't help it, its my nature. How? And I want to get more songs from Phuong!!! I want new songs :)

I think this post is completely messy and disorganized. Please pardon my poor language since I am not thinking while I type. But my mood has certainly been improving since I began typing. This is so COOL!!!!

Shall I go on? Are you still with me?

We discussed the Wee Shu-Min elitism issue during GSC today. Surprisingly, many people agree with her saying that in this competitive market, if you cannot match up with the pace, its your own fault. Well I agree with her too, coz I don't see why is it not correct? Since I was never exposed to the other side of the story, like how is it wrong to say that? Its the education system. I admit that I have been trained to be a moron who takes in whatever is given to me. (once I actually thought that I was smart, forget it!) Its sad, I want to know the other side of it. I am losing touch with the inner me, with the sensible me, with the rational me, or perhaps I lost touch with her since long ago, but now she's starting to come back. Its creepy how the environment culture and education can influence you. Maybe I should go live in a HUTAN so that I would not be affected :) just joking, I am scared of anything that crawls!!!



Do I look like I am happy? Miss you Ha! You bring so much laughter to my life, it seems dimmer without you :) Can I borrow some power to lighten it up again?

Reader's digest is a FUN read.

Before I end, since Szeching told a fact about herself, let me tell you one about myself too! Actually, I am the one who doesn't comb her hair after bathing. At least she does it sometimes. I don't at all. I love messy hair so I never comb my hair after bathing unless there is an absolute need. In fact, I touch the comb less than three times a day, especially now with short and less hair left. Its best left as it is. Try it! It feels really good!

Isnt this cute?! It looks so contented and cheerful! I am using it as my wall paper now! It makes me so happy everytime I look at it.

Econs is driving me crazy!!! I stare at the question and I have no idea what to put into the essay at all! Its feels like whatever I studied is totally irrelevant. Ahh I need enlightenment! Oh must read John Sloman textbook tomorrow in the library :) And I have been listening to the radio everyday for the past few days, online, 883jia FM. Its a Chinese station but they have English songs too, and all are songs that I like ;) happy. Well if you are interested: www.883jia.com.sg

Today is in the middle of the week, this week passed relatively fast. My school PE is totally slack. I am random.

My roommate takes forever to bathe!!! I have been waiting since I came back from school at least half an hour ago! I don't understand people who need a long time to bathe, why so? We have the same surface area to cover right? (in this case we assume that the palm size is proportional to body size) I am so falling asleep and this is torturous! Oh no... I hear no sound from the bathroom!! Has she fainted r something?

And right now at this moment in time, I am happy.

I am happy because i have discovered more about myself within this short two weeks of being in SA.

Yes I am still sad with the fact that I got kicked out of AC, but I realised that its all because of my wrong doings and no one else's.

And more importantly, I saw the problem and the solution to the problem is right before me, that is to set my priorities right and act accordingly. It may sound easy, but I assure you, it's damn tough, especially for a person who has never been disciplined for the past eighteen years of her life. Its somewhat like being forced to eat, or rather, learning to cope with eating your most disliked vegetable everyday. But somehow I am enjoying every moment of this 'torture' (not so bad la, just not used to it yet) because I know that at the end of the day, no matter what the outcome is, I have done my best. I will definitely be a person different from who I used to be. In fact, ever since the last time I sang the ACS anthem as a student of ACJC, I have already become a different person. And I AM PROUD OF IT, being a narcissist of course this makes me happy.

Another thing that makes me happy is of course the fact that I have very good tutors for every single subject that I am taking, except for maybe GSC. He's boring.

My maths tutor is a fatherly person who nags and nags at you, he's so patient he will explain to you for the hundredth time if you don't understand. This definitely boosts my confidence in the subject, since I am weak in it.

My econs tutor is my grand senior, a Malaysia scholar who apparently did very well for his 'A's. Since he lives in he hostel, I can approach him for one-to-one tutoring session, provided of course that he is not yet angry with me for my late essay. However, right now I am a bit lost in econs, I don't know how to write the essays, coz I often misinterpret what the questions want. Well I ll figure that out.

My CLL tutor is a talkative China man (no offence to PRC friends ;P). Well the good thing is that he has the knowledge definitely to be imparted to us, at least better than my previous tutor. And on top of that, he reminds us in every lesson that he is very willing to work hard if we all work hard. It is definitely motivating.

The last and most respected tutor of mine is my GP tutor. Yes its a HE again. Well I love male teachers :) I have a longer attention span with male teachers ;P He is really really motivating. His talk about learning and trying to make sense of what we study is exactly the answer I have been searching for to my problem/question. Well I am really glad to have him, since GP in SA isn't exactly strong, I'm very lucky to get a VERY good and inspiring teacher ;) And he emphasizes on working hard all the time too.

Since I have good tutors for all my subjects, there is no reason for me to slack and not work hard. Wah I feel so guai for the first time in my life. I am serious. I have never felt this disciplined before, not with any aspect of my life :)

So, why shouldn't I be happy?

My stomach is grumbling, shall go for dinner now :)

I have got nothing to do. So I decided to blog. No, actually I have homework. One and a half econs essay and one full GSC paper, but I'm quite tired already, so I can't process anything. Blogging doesn't need much brainwork right? That's why Xiaxue can be a famous blogger :) haha I am still waiting for my clothes on the dryer to dry, so I can't sleep yet.

Today seemed like a long day, but not enough! Woke up at 1030 sweating, then bathed changed went out. Cabbed to Orchard, I feel SO guilty cabbing! will not do it again if unnecessary. Then met 1SA5 people for lunch. It was ok, didn't particularly enjoy it coz I was there purely because of Ha and Vikki. Had baked rice for lunch and a mango float which was nice but gave me cramps later. I decided that I shall stay away from heavy food for a while, since my stomach is not taking them very well. Just to keep myself from falling sick again. Then Ha, Vikki and another girl walked me to Cine to meet Suelin. SO NICE OF THEM! I miss Suelin and Singhun! Haven't seen them for so long. We watched Ninja turtles. Gosh I didn't even know about the movie. It was not quite nice, entertaining, but I didn't quite enjoy it coz I was having cramps. Almost fell asleep too. Then Zhifeng left and the three of us: Suelin, Singhun and myself went to walk around. We were trying to find something to do, but we all didn't have the mood to shop, so we went to Fish and Co to have a drink and talk. But their blender was down!!! So we ended up drinking plain water and eating salad(me), chips(suelin) or soup(singhun). Enjoyed myself so much! To be able to catch up with them rocks! Although we are all in different schools, we are still so close! There is just a common understanding that is hard to be reached with other people. After all we went through a lot together, during those important years of our lives. Well then Suelin had to go off and Singhun said she too was tired.

From / to Suelin: (you know that's exatly how I feel about you too)
With all my love
sometimes I wonder where we'll be
five, ten, even fifteen years from now,
and I imagine the memories we'll make
and the laughter we'll share
and all the ways our lives will change and grow.
Whatever the future may hold,
let's promise to take good care of ourselves,
so while we're travelling down the road of life,
we'll always have each other to enjoy the ride.

Four years into the fifth and still counting. Its amazing how we can don't meet up much but still love each other dearly and have so much to share. Is that what people call true friendship? I don't know but I treasure what we have that belongs to us and no one else. Singhun too, I think we all grew and matured. Hopefully whatever disagreement and unhappiness could be put down and we move on with the promise of a better friendship in the future. I am looking forward to it :)

I attempted to do my tutorials. But I seriously don't know how to approach the question, don't know what the question is asking me for. Sigh, I must recharge and keep my energy level high! So that I can take control of whatever comes my way! :)

I'm so looking forward to crashing Singhun's house next weekend! It will be so much fun! And she's so cool, she's renting a room out there by herself. K I'm just rambling on and on aimlessly. Mr Andrew said we shouldn't do anything that has no objectives. So I shall end here. Bye.

I had a haircut! Well it doesn't exactly look nice since my hair is kinda hard to manage. It only costs $10!!!! Not one of those 10 minutes 10 dollars cut, but in a decent salon. Its Far East Plaza highest floor, one small salon called Beauty Spot. My friend went there for a haircut not long ago and she looks nice! So I decided to give it a try. Took some time to locate it, then I saw only a few aunties in the shop, so I was wondering if I should step in. Then this big-sized scary looking auntie with lion hair approached me, so I said I wanted a haircut. It's kinda like those traditional kind I went to when I was young where they spray water onto your hair until its dripping wet before they start cutting. She used a blade (for haircut la, but i don't know what's the correct term) instead of a pair of scissors throughout. And gosh she's good. She discussed with me what kind of hairstyle I wanted then decided on one that suits my ROUND face, sob sob. The final product was ok, not fantastic, or maybe I'm not used to it yet. There are pictures taking with my 1.3 built-in camera on my laptop. With bad lighting, I look like a ghost ;)

Then I had Jap food for dinner. Unagi and Teriyaki chicken with rice. Yum. Stupid me was still craving for Shihlin's Crispy chicken after finishing the bowl of rice. In the end of course I couldn't finish the chicken. On top of everything its so freaking fattening!!! I decided that I don't enjoy eating it anymore, my system needs cleansing! Walked around aimlessly for the longest time before cabbing to IKEA Alexandra Road to shop for my furnitures ;P Felt so guilty cabbing, but I wasn't sure how long the bus will take and where to stop and stuff.

I LOVE IKEA!!!!! THEY HAVE THE BEST DESIGNERS IN THE WORLD. Most importantly, their stuff are totally affordable, I want to buy for my own room at home la. But then again I don't have much stuff at home anyway, so pointless. I bought two storage boxes, for my clothes mainly, one mouse pad and a rug for the floor. I wanted to buy those wooden boxes but they were too heavy for me! I love their furnitures!!! I LOVE THEIR FURNITURES!!!! Took bus from opposite. My luck is good, I just went to that bus stop coz it was the nearest. Then hopped on to the first bus (33) that came which happened to go to Victoria Street. On the way we passed by Redhill, Tiong Bahru, ClarkQuay, SMU and finally Bugis. Then changed to 145 to come back. I'm so pro in taking public transport. Hahahaha.

I have done about half the rearranging of my stuff, still got half left. And haven't touched my homework at all. And I forgot about buying Breadtalk :(

Tomorrow is an outing day to meet my old friends! So excited!

Its all in the mind

I am homesick! Want to go home! But I have to wait for 2+ months. Hmph :(

Changed my skin. Yeah. I'm bored of the old one. This new one provided by Blogger is simple and nice :) Same as my sister's!!!

I'm going to do a major revamp of my little corner in the room. Since I was told that I could do anything with the furnitures except to dismantle them. Haha so I am going to IKEA later to buy some new furnitures! This is so exciting, like shopping for my new house. Wahahaha.

The SCRCY juniors are having Talentime today. ALL THE BEST PEOPLE! I'm sure you will do well and continue to uphold SCGS's good name! Although I'm not there to support, my heart's with you guys!

Ohh this is the result of a personality test that all ACJC students did, hehe but I did it online:



I don't know how accurate it is, why not you tell me? In the comment box. Haha I never really used the comment feature, so you all must start contributing now!

I have got 3 full Econs essays and one GSC paper to do! Crazy! and I am going out later and tomorrow! How to finish? Hmm.

I'm so happy about this new skin! Now I can use any font colour that I want. Hohoho. Oh no, I'm learning fast from Szeching! So lame.

Here's a cold joke for you:

There is a polar bear in the North Pole (or South? oh no, where do they live?) named Mr.Bean (by the name you know that he's not that smart... LAR) So one day, he decided to pluck out all his fur, as he finds it too troublesome to maintain the nice snowy white fur, must keep very clean. So he plucked and plucked, and finally, he got rid of the last strand (strand?)

Then he said, 'Wah, Cold!'


Have a great day ahead! ^.^

So I got a reply from the MOE about the letter I sent to the Minister. I think the Minister didn't get to read the letter after all, as I expected. But the Scholarship Section handled it, and Ms Lim personally replied to it. Oops, I won't want to see her ever again! Will feel so maluated!!! It is stated in the letter that I didn't meet the cut-off so they cannot have exceptions, hmm obviously they didn't see the point of my letter which is to complain about the APPEAL and not the POSTINGS. Whatever. No like anything can be done now. I just hope that they don't have a terrible impression of me, like you know, the whole MOE hates me or something.

Well, life in SA has been ok. My class is fun! The girls are chatty and friendly, and there are only 4 guys in the class. Even lesser than 1SA5. After getting to know people, I feel much better about the school, but still a bit sad. It takes time, I know, for me to adapt to the school. But considering that this is the 4th day, I think I'm making good progress. After all, that is where He wants me to be, I am sure there is a purpose for it :)

I crashed AC on Wednesday. It was quite exciting and fun but I was really tired, coz had to wake up even earlier to go to school. AC seems the same, but I felt different about it. Didn't feel like I belonged anymore, coz my name is no longer in the system. But nevertheless I know I am an ACS-ian. Haha. And it didn't seem as fun as before anymore, I guess its the same everywhere, with term 2 starting and work loading, no more honeymoons. Well at least I had my share of fun! So ya, Although I still miss AC and the comfort it provided me with, and of course the people, I know that its time to move on and find myself again in SA

Life is so boring here in McNair. Nothing much to do. So I am very determined to tidy up my room and all my stuff, and of course my notes and files. Then get down to doing work. My 'O's and JAE results really made me realised a lot of things. I need to work hard! And since I didn't work hard for O's, I need to work doubly hard for 'A's, don't be surprised if I turn into a mugger okay? Well I won't, don't worry :)

I'm still trying to decide between 1SA5 outing and going out with suelin on coming Sunday, I think I ll go with Suelin, after all I haven't seen her for SO long!!! Miss her so much la!!!!!

SLeepy~~~~

Szeching, I miss you too! Miss talking rubbish with you!!!

It's been exactly one week since I last updated.

Many things happened in this one week:
Moved to McNair Lodge
Went home
Got closer to my sister
School started and I m stuck in SA for the rest of the 1 1/2 years

I won't tell you much about McNair Lodge, there isn't much to tell. But I seriously think that the director and staff need to find out from established boarding schools how to run a hostel. The hostel is tiny, not conducive for studying, and most importantly I feel lonely there. Just had my first dinner there this evening despite the fact that I moved in for about a week already. I don't like the place. Or maybe I need to learn to like it.

Went home for 3 days. I miss the comfort of home. I miss dad and mum. But it hurts to see them at home, they age really fast, especially dad. It hurts.

So today is the second day of school. I still refused to call myself a Saint. Well, I don't like the school teachers, and the school culture. They threaten you and force you to do every single thing, instead of encouraging and making you realise that its for your own good. It seems that there is no passion in anything. The purpose of being there in the school is solely to get through it to go to university. Well this is only day 2. There are hundreds more days to go in this school. I ll learn to like it. But everything reminds me of how it used to be in SA and NUSH, its damn tough. Its really really tough. Jasmine and I cannot stop comparing and complaining.

I am feeling very emo now, yes if not because I am in the public, I would have broken down(broken down??). Sheesh. This is crazy.

I want to run for council, and continue with all the unfinished stuff in AC, but I don't freaking know anyone in the school. How?

Sorry for these pointless emo complaints, if you haven't been through it you wouldn't know. Whatever, I can be bothered anymore.

I don't know if its about me. I think it is, but I don't have the courage to ask. For a friend who holds the special place in my heart, it hurts. I am not going to explain, I don't know how to do it. I know I am a wrecked up useless freak, I have always known it until I met you. You made me feel different, not because I am better off than you, because you truly care(d). Its hard for me to be opened up to someone, you are the person I am closest to so far. And don't even start talking abut the degree of closeness, it hurts. I haven't realised I missed you out till you mentioned it, overly absorbed in self-pity? or pride? whatever? I don't know. I just know that I haven't been there for you, not enough anyway, is it because of physical distance? I am afraid so. I don't know. I don't know how to love, I don't know how to be loved. I don't know how to express, and I don't know how to receive. All I want to say is I am really sorry that I hurt you along the way, I am truly truly sorry. Perhaps its better off now, the friendship and closeness, then you won't be hurt by me no more.

Your message just now, it seemed so cold and distant. Am I thinking too much?? Or is it just it? It would seem so foolish of me if its that I am thinking too much. But what else could it be? I feel so weighed down now I really feel that it sucks to be me. So screwed up. No one could be any worse I guess. No one.

To all of you out there, I don't know if you know this but hey I never seem to find a way to express my innermost feelings about you guys. So let the song.....err I mean lyrics do the talking.

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try to feel
The way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well, you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you

Whoa, and then for the times when we're apart
Well, then close your eyes and know
These words are comin' from my heart
And then if you can remember, oh

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times, in bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
Oh, that's what friends are for

Whoa... oh... oh... keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, oh, for sure
'Cause I tell you that's what friends are for
For good times and for bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for (That's what friends are for)

On me, for sure
That's what friends are for
Keep smilin', keep shinin'

I just want to thank all of you for making my life complete. Love you peeps!!!

March hols!!! This is the third day already. I'm surprisingly free but I am still in Singapore. Yes, packing starts tonight, and I will be moving to McNair Lodge tomorrow although it seems like it doesn't exist on the Singapore map. Its ok, I will find it :)

The past few days have been really fun. More often than not we don't know how to treasure what we have till we lose them, or are about to lose them. I can say that the past week since JAE postings came out was the best week of my life, and of course the worst. I got to know more people, not just by their faces, but we talked, and I'm sure we will continue to be good friends. And above all, I enjoyed myself immensely in all that I did, and discovered in my life the presence of the most beautiful thing on earth called love . Every single second I spent in AC, O2 although I was not involved, all the crazy moments with the gang (at the track, in the room), Swensens moments, and all the encouragements and concerns you people showered me with. I learned to appreciate everything. And of course this incident drove my family and I closer. Aside from that, of course there are the false hopes I cling on to then over and again found myself being disappointed. The anger, the tears, the fatigue from being too wracked up. I am tired of those moments already. I am not a rebellious kid by nature, by I wished I was, then maybe I would do some outrageous thing that could ruin my life. Well, I am too rational for that. Now that the outcome cannot be changed, I guess the only thing I can do is to accept it, and move on. Easier said than done, but you will be surprised at how fast I adapt. But don't you worry, I will be back to crash and bug all of you very often, since I will definitely miss the chicken rice, the waffle, the omelet, the yongtaufu... and the list goes on. And of course Giant Earthquake with you guys!!!

Time to pack, time to pack. I hate moving! Once a year is already bad enough, what more twice a year, can die. Well well, seems like there's no other way out so just pack lor, its a good time for spring cleaning anyway.

Next, Thank you so much Mr Paul Koh, Thank you for all that you have done to help me get back into the school. I am thankful to have gotten to know you, and more importantly, this side of you that you talked about during chapel last time. I promise I will work harder and not let myself down, and not let you down as well, I know you have high hopes in me.

I don't know what awaits me in SA. But I ll make the best of what I am given.

Its the AC spirit, to be passed on any and everywhere you go.
I am sure Mrs Chan will be proud of me.

You can take the girl out of AC, but you can take the AC out of the girl.


Once an ACSian, forever an ACSian. I am glad I have experienced it for myself, and am able to spread this love, wherever I go :)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!! ENJOY YOUR HOLIDAYS PEOPLE!!!!

I cried hard, so damn hard.

Woke up extremely early this morning to take bus to SA, it takes super long!!!
I gave wrong directions so we got off the bus at the wrong stop. Oops, sorry guys. Was a bit late for school but luckily nothing bad happened to us. Attended the talk on House Council. SA is not that bad, really. Its just that I have so much love for AC and I feel so attached that I don't know how to live without it. And its bloody hard to have to learn to love SA. To adapt to it is actually easy, to enjoy it, not so. After th talk, we submitted the subject registration forms to our OGL and she told us that we could go off, coz obviously we were not willing to stay at all. So we left Orientation at 9, then waited for my other friend JunQing till 10+, so brilliant. But anyway it doesn't matter. I don't want to face reality.

Took bus back, the ride took about 35-40 minutes, which is not that bad really. But heh. Then time for the results. I opened my mail box and saw this:

Dear Hui Zyi,

We refer to your appeal for a change of JC.

2 We have reviewed your request and wish to inform you that your appeal is unsuccessful. In view of this, your school posting will still be Saint Andrew's Junior College and you are required to shift to the new hostel by 16 March 2007.

3 We wish you the best in your Pre-University Education.

Regards,
Mrs Doris Gan
Head, Pastoral Section School Planning & Placement Division § Ministry of Education, Singapore §
Tel +65 6 879 7430 § http://www.moe.gov.sg
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Then I cried. Like damn hard. Although I expected this outcome, part of me refused to accept it. Then I messaged to tell people, and Zro called, and I cried even harder. I don't know how now. I want to give up the scholarship and just stay in AC if I can, but I know it will be damn hard on my parents, and I really don't want to burden them. The cost is about S$2000 pr month plus a bi-annual fee of S$1000. I told her about the options I had. I don't want to talk to dad, I don't know how to face them. I don't want them to feel bad for me. I wished I could move on just as easily as other people do. But I don't want to give up something I am so passionate for so easily. That is not me at all.

Anyway, then both Zro and Phuong encouraged me to do the last thing I could. So I went to Clementi to settle my stuff. I was so drained of my energy. This immerse sense of fatigue overwhelmed me. The thing that persevered me on was my love for AC.

Let me sidetrack a bit, aunties are actually not as weak and fragile as they seem, I was just walking along the narrow corridor of the HDB shops. Then all the aunties that came my way, they never give way at all, expecting me to give way to them. Even if they are just one inch away from knocking into you, they just walk on, coz they know that you ll give way. Anyway this auntie elbowed me, I can't remember which part of my body. I think its arm. Gosh it was SO painful, and I muttered sorry. Something must be wrong with me. She just walked on as if nothing happened. I am afraid of aunties now.

Back to JAE. I seriously don't know what the outcome of my action will be. Although people have been assuring me that nothing bad can happen to me. I don't know, I just can't stand it anymore. Its like after so many years we still hear the same complaints over and over again. But nothing changed. If we don't do something about it, nothing will. Especially this year when there are so many cases whereby the schools accept us, but MOE doesn't. It saddens me to just listen to other people's story, let alone my own.

I forgot to eat lunch. Woke up at five plus just to realise that it time to go for campfire. Ate dinner with Ha and Phuong, then we went to school. Campfire was just about to start. The emcees were ----- Oliver and Quan Rong!!! Oh my gosh, he can't emcee for nuts. Haha, and he can't sing. Mrs.Chan spoke to us and I cried again. She is so nice, I can't help it. Whatever she said was just so meaningful, so true, so comforting. I just couldn't bear leaving. Everyone is there for a purpose, mine? I wanted to go right up to her and tell her how much I love her and appreciate her hard work and help. It was so hard for me, I was touched and I was sad. And then Arthya told us that the school has been appealing to keep all the first intake scholars since the start of the year. That is just how far we are willing to go out of love.

Then the programme moved on. I had a lot of fun!!!! With my dear friends by my side. I felt so loved, and that any obstacles ahead of me, they will see me too. These people have been very supportive all these while. So understanding and so caring. Thank you and I love you people!!!! It ended pretty early. Then mass dance time. I danced with two strangers, one went around to dance with girls, and the other looked new and lost. Erm, I wanted to help him but it made me feel so big sis, I decided to run away and just have fun. Sorry boy, I am sure you will enjoy AC!!!

Mass dance didn't last that long. They had to end early I think. So we went for outing at Holland V. Took an hour to wait and wait and decide where to go and we ended up eating ice-cream at Swensens. Giant Earthquake rocks!!!


Had a great time there in Swensens with them. It was so fun!!! I don't want to leave these people. It like I am now so contented with my life but I have to let it go. We went down and saw Tania's OG, Saralonde too but I don't know which OG. Haha I saw him ;P He was being high and lame. I was so high too and I didn't want to come back at all. But I had too. well We managed to get a cab that didn't mind taking 5 people.

Overall, today was fun, but deep down I am really sad. The Hostel has already informed us that we have to move out by Tuesday. I think I am moving on Sunday afternoon which is tomorrow. Oh my gosh, I can't believe all these are going to end tomorrow. Is there no other way out? I know that the easiest is to just accept what is given to me, but I don't want to!!

I know that I will do fine in SA, I know that eventually I will adapt well in McNair. But is that the only choice I have now? Thinking about it makes me shiver. It has never been this hard, never before.

AC Arts is good. SA's I am in no position to comment. But the cut-off for Arts in AC partial 7 or 8, while in SA its 10. So I guess statistics can give you the picture. Well, I don't know how big an impact it will be on me. But I think I need good teachers to guide me, and most importantly I need the inspiration. It doesn't come by easily, now that I have found it. I don't want to give it up.

For the best is yet to be.

NOTE: This post should have been put up on Thursday night, but by the time i finished typing, the internet was already cut off. so here it goes...

Tomorrow is THE day, the day that my appeal results come out.

Good news: ACJC has already approved my appeal.

Please pretend that you didn't see the last part because I am not supposed to tell this yet.

Well I really don't know what else I can do. I have done all that I can, including the last thing that might help me if my appeal is not successful.


Today was a damn tough day for me. Yes the coming week is definitely going to be tough, but no I have not given up yet, out of my love for AC.

Emotional strains or whatever, I wanted to going to school with Ha they all in the morning but I couldn't get up, so bloody tired. the next thing I knew was that it was already 9 o'clock. Time to do my appeal. So I went to school and met the FA teacher. She refused to help me but she was nice enough to talk to me, and help me think of solutions. Still, she's lazy. But I agree with her, its my own fault that I didn't join FA for my own sake. Can't exactly blame her. Then I submitted my appeal to the school without realising that I forgot to print a copy of the appeal form for my appeal with MOE. Well I couldn't be bothered to anymore when I remembered it. I went to da bao lunch before returning to the hostel. And ate then slept.

Till I was almost late. Met Jasmine to go to school together at 2. Before we reached the school gate we heard people cheering from afar. Tears once again swell my eyes. Stayed around and talked to a few people before heading down to MOE to submit my appeal. Phuong came along to MOE and I am so glad she did. On the way there, I received a call from Mr. Paul Koh informing me that my appeal to the school has been approved. I was overjoyed, I wanted to scream into the phone and tell him that I love him. On a second thought, that wouldn't be very wise. So I refrained myself from doing it. I promised him that I will work hard and do well at the end of the two years. But as I submit the form to Ms Lim and listened to her words of advice my heart sank. The chances are almost zero. Well then I went back to AC to hopefully talk to Mrs. Chan our principal. but I was told to go to the people in charge of appeals. In the end I talked to Mr.Loo, the VP, who in the first place inspired me to come to AC. Well apparently the school cannot help appeal to MOE.

I don't know what else I can do besides praying for tomorrow.

As many of you probably have known, I got posted out of AC into SA. If am not wrong, I missed by 1 point or even less. I don't even want to start thinking about it. Yes it hurts, especially when you miss by a slight margin, its even worse than knowing you can't stay for sure. Now I truly understand the meaning of marginal cost and benefit, in economic terms.

Well the journey of discovery wasn't as tough as I imagined it to be. We received a pep talk from our Teacher Mentor yesterday, and I just had this strong feeling I would be one of those that he was referring to. And throughout the rest of the day, the thought of me being posted out kept coming back, as if I already know that that would be it.

So I didn't sleep well last night, I kept waking up to check the time. Maybe sub-consciously I was still damn nervous. At 730, I woke up. Saw Ha's message asking me about postings so I checked it. I didn't even turn off my computer the night before as I didn't think I could bear waiting for the computer to be turned on. So I typed in my FIN, and waited. Then it came out - Saint Andrew's Junior College (Arts). I refreshed the page, checked again then went on to check suelin's result. Of course she got posted into RJ without fail. Then I went back under my blanket and started tearing silently, it took a while before I finally fell asleep.

It was about 1030 when I woke up. Was supposed to meet RuiYun, Vikki and Xu lu together with Ha in Orchard at 11. We planned to go KBox. At first Vikki was saying that if she needed to appeal she won't go, but it turned out that I was the one who needed to appeal. So the outing was canceled. I checked out the website of SAJC, the subjects offered and CCAs, and I decided at the bottom of my heart that it can never replace ACJC as my alma mater. I just know it. But I was so reluctant to appeal at first, as I don't want to give myself false hope. I know chances of successful appeals are slim for scholars, the probability is almost zero. I didn't want myself hurt once again. Talked to Szeching and the others over lunch, finally I decided to give it a try. Whatever it takes for me to get back in.

So I called Mr Paul Koh, the Chairman of ACS Oldham Hall Boarding School, to get his help with my appeal. He didn't say much but asked me to send him my particulars. He is speaking to my Principal, Mrs. Chan, directly. I am not sure of what he could do to help, although he has the connections, I don't even know if he will do much at all. Anyway, at this point of time, I guess I just have to have faith in him that he will do the best he can to help. As I'm typing this, I recalled the story he once told us during chapel about running all over the place to help a Singaporean student who was dying with some disease that needed a kidney transplant. It happened in Britain when he was based there as a diplomat. Yes, that's the AC spirit that I am looking at. How can I not trust him?

Anyway next I went to school to see my form teacher to inform her about my appeal, and photocopy necessary documents. But she wasn't there when I went. So we went to photocopy, then I realised that I didn't bring my JAE verification slip, which means I couldn't submit my application. Next, we went to see the HOD of Pe/CCA Mr Mark Ng about initiating a new CCA, the Home Economics Society(don't laugh, its just a tentative name!). Hopefully I could use it to support my case, as I have no CCA in AC for back-up. His reply was utterly disappointing although I do agree with him that we didn't think through the idea before approaching him. I thought that was what we wanted, him to do the thinking, then if it works only we go about doing it. So when I came out my heart sank a little lower.

It would have been better if we hadn't talked to my econs teacher. We saw her at the Hub where the appeal was on-going, so we went over to talk to her. She mentioned that with no special skills and talents, she doubted I could get in. So I came up with my last resort which is first aid, as that was probably the only skill I am left with after being stripped off the possibility of using leadership and choir rejected me. Then we met my teacher mentor outside the staff room while paging for the teacher-in-charge of the First Aid Society. I don't know why but as I saw him tears swell up in my eyes, but I managed to hold it in anyway. He was genuinely sympathetic with me, not that he could do much.

Then I talked to my form teacher who promised to help, and then met my econs teacher again. So we discussed my appeal case again and this is when I truly truly felt like breaking down, as my econs tutor put it very bluntly that it would be very hard. A hard cold fact that I refused to admit. I was very hurt, but I understand that it was the truth. Well so that was about as much as I could do. As I didn't get a chance to meet the FA teachers, I will have to go back tomorrow to meet them.

In my last attempt to find the FA teachers at the staff room, I met Neville who talked rubbish with my TM, then with the VP Mr. Loo. I thought what he said was quite embarrassingly stupid but I know he meant well, he was trying his best to help. I was touched. Then he even suggested that I see Mrs.Chan personally to talk about my case and give her my promise. I admire him for having the courage to do anything but I know that for me, its just not possible, like I would screw up even more in front of her. Well miracles like his kind happen only on certain people, like him.

Then I did my letter of appeal as my last attempt to help myself, I don't know what else I can do already. I can feel that I am breaking down, finally, after the whole day. I just can't take it anymore. Why am I always the unlucky one who is on the wrong side of the margin? With one less point for HCL or English or Geog I could have gotten in. Well, again nothing is definite. Its like after you have done all that you can do you realise that there's no way to recover what has been lost. I don't know. I still stand a chance but chances are so slim, I can't give myself anymore false hopes.

Well I have to say a lot of thank yous t many many people who have helped and cared for me.
Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart.
Firstly Szeching, thank you for those inputs from your senior and all your encouragements, thank you for being my roommate and being there for me.
Ha, thank you for accompanying me to school, listening to me whine over and over again, and doing whatever it takes.
Phuong, thank you for reading my appeal letter, for lending me Trang's letter, and for all the reassurance.
Quynh, thank you for lending me your phone to call Mr Koh when mine was faulty, and simply being there for me.
Neville, thank you for all that you have done to help, your suggestions and attempts.
Suelin, thank you for being there to comfort me and simply for having faith in me.
Mdm.Teo, thank you for being such a wonderful form teacher who is so patient with me.
Econs tutor(I forgot your name), although I am upset by your remarks, thank you for your blun and contructive inputs. yes I need to face reality.
Mr Soh(TM), thank you for talking to me and reassuring me that SA is good. I do know that but I love AC dearly.
Weikit, thank you for worrying for me, and cecking my results first thing in the morning.
Andrew, for talking to me when I was bored, and telling me that being closer to you is good (?!)Dolphin, thank you for being my inspiration and reason to go on.
And anyone else whom I missed out, I'm so sorry my mind is very occupied at the moment.
All of you out there, thank you for your sympathy and concern.

I don't know how long I can hang on to this faith, this false hope. As much as I know its a false hope, I refuse to believe that I am closing this chapter in AC so soon. There are always possibilities and exceptions. Well but I can't dream too high. As I report to SA for Orientation tomorrow, I have to prepare myself for a new chapter, whether or not it is to come. Of course, I am forever grateful for the wonderful experiences the past months have brought. Never have I gained so much in such a short time. It amazes me and it thrills me. Hopefully this chapter could continue, for a long long time to come. My instinct tells me that I will stay, to believe or not to believe?

Till then, let me just, for the last time, soak my blanket in tears. Here I come, Mr Dimples.

I am actually very keen on changing my blog skin, but I know that if I change I ll have to go through the crazy process of changing the font and color of my past posts, which is really crazy like hell. So I shall just be contented with my current one which is really very nice but I am just starting to get bored of it. Sorry I'm a perfectionist.

Attended some seminars at Career 2007 @suntec convention centre today. It was quite interesting. We sat through Journalism as a career, Career in hotel management and IMI Switzerland. Journalism is really interesting and challenging, but I realised I don't have the passion for it. Hospitality is what Ha wants to go into, I am okay with it but its kinda not what I want either. I don't know what I want, so I am attending Early Childhood Education and Human Resource Management tomorrow, and some other if they are interesting. Hey this is kinda ironic. Just days before JAE posting is out I am already looking at my future career. Isn't it good? I assume. Heh but most likely I want to stay here in Singapore, don't want to be far away from home :)

Just yesterday we did this short filming for our class 1 SA5, about how we feel about leaving the class. Did you notice that I rarely write about the class? Or maybe never at all. Its not that our class people are not nice, I think all of them are nice people who won't exactly be nasty to you, but I just can't clique with them. Kinda sad but no way am I going to force myself. I am most likely going to Arts if I can make it back to AC. No I will make it back to AC ;) Well SA 5, although I don't hang out with you guys much, I still love the class as much as you do. Its amazing how you all can bond so fast and so well :) rock on!!!

Well as for today, after the Seminars I went back to OH for a while. It felt like I didn't belong anymore. Very sad. Everything seems so familiar yet different. Surprisingly, although I miss all the people and was thrilled to see them, I didn't miss the place as much as I thought I would. Maybe its clearly time to move on.

Happy Belated Birthday Song Bai aka 松柏
We had this mini celebration for him. SC 1 is so united I am so jealous. But oh well so is SC 2 okays? Especially those who are still in OH :) We are always SC-ers, who stay up late for meetings or to finish up work or just simply to chit-chat, violating our privileges. We are always SC-ers, who do sai kang and a lot more work that others might not see, but we do them willingly coz we know that they help in their own little ways. We are always SC-ers, who believe that to lead is to serve, that's why we never complain about heavy workload(ok maybe we do sometimes, well we DO complain) and try to do everything to perfection(sorry thats me only). Of course we have our beloved adviser Ms Alien, sorry, Ms eelin, who is more like an elder sister who always boss people around, sorry, who allocates work equally and expects your to do it to perfection, sorry, to make sure that its of a high standard.


Presenting to you: Oldham Hall Student Council Alumni
Currently there are only 4 official members(sc1) or 3?? But soon there will be a lot more ;)

SC2 We all have a part
Thank you guys for making me feel completely at home and belonged in the SC, although I might not be that close to each and everyone of you. Thank you for all the great time together and hope we will always have a part and not apart ;)



Happiness is not about a structured and organized life
but all that little things that matter



it mattered,and it made my day,thank you so much for the reply ;)

Sometimes life really isn't as bad as it seems. We have the tendency to have our problems and unhappiness manifested, and whine and complain about everything around. I'm not sure about you, but I am like that. I get carried away with complaining, then I find that there's something incomplete in my life, which is the peace of mind.

I was just typing this post yesterday, complaining about how out-of-place I feel, about my insecurity and fear, and sense of worthlessness, then I visited some people's blog. People who look so contented with their lives. People who are so confident. People who have are welcomed everywhere. People who make you feel so small, so insignificant. There are quite a few people like this in my life, and I feel really really intimidated by them. So I read their blogs, and it was like a wake up call for me. I realised that they are just the same as me, they too have their own sets of worries. Yes, life is not a bed of roses for them either. So then I deleted the whole chunk of stuff I typed. There's no need to torment you with my problems since you have your own too. I'm SO considerate right?! :D

Anyway, today was quite a tough day for me. First thing in the morning something happened, or shall I put it this way, I didn't do something that I was supposed to do to make something happen. So it didn't happen. Well anyway, I was depressed for most of the day. I have no idea why I am so deeply affected by it. It scares me, like hell. I don't want to be emotionally tortured like this, but I guess its too late now. Well, there was no CLL lesson so I ponned math as well. I had every intention of going but there was a 3 hours break between that and my previous tutorial, and I absolutely dislike my math teacher. So I came back early to rest. Then we went for Arts Night. It was amazing. AC people are so talented. Had a great time, but my mood went down again when the show ended. I must not have any expectations in the future, then I won't be sad, instead I'll be happy coz then every good thing becomes a surprise for me.

Ha and I concluded that I am actually quite a shy person, much to my surprise. Maybe that's the new thing I learned about myself since I came to JC. Whether or not its a good thing I am not sure. But so far I have not been happy with it. K I promised I won't whine so I am not going to start now.



Love is patient, love is kind
Love perseveres, love endure



If sadness is measured by the amount of tears,
then maybe I am not that sad after all.



Yesterday there was the Founder's Day Service. Although many of us were expected to pon, I didn't. I am glad I didn't coz I think its really meaningful. After attending the service, I feel even more attached to the school, I don't know what am I to do if I can't get in at JAE. Well I am leaving everything to Him, He has already decided so worrying certainly isn't much help. Well I still hope very much that I will stay in AC.

I have been so emotional these few days, and I hate it. By the way, I think many people are hooked to Hanakimi!!! I, for one, am waiting patiently for the last episode. Yes its so nice! I thought it was stupid at first when my sister was ga-ga over it, but now I am too. Its entertaining, and parts of it are meaningful.

This post is really random, I'm sorry if you are bored. Too bad my blog is like that, you can go read other people's blogs that are much more interesting if you want.



There's a vacuum in our hearts only God can fill
There's a vacuum in our hearts only our parents can fill
There's a vacuum in my heart only you can fill
and its void now.




I have decided that I will quit basketball. In fact I sort of quited already, by telling my friends about it :P well I do feel bad about quitting, but I think that since I do not enjoy it, its no point staying in the CCA. I don't want to dread going for CCA, and I don't see myself as a close team player together with them. Maybe I am more of a loner. Anyway I will go for shooting after JAE ;D hopefully I can get into the team.

1234567890
I want to travel,
to learn about the world
自己给自己设限，困住了。
怎么办？
I want to travel,
to learn about me...

her

huizyi玉
female/perempuan/女
hitting the big 2 soon
MY-ian on another land,
where will I go next?

destined

backpack in my country

passion and determination

phone and camera

lose those fats

两只手的温度

speak

take off

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reminisce

September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008

credits

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