Friday, March 30, 2007
I would be very delighted if my thoughts and words could flow so naturally and fluently like water during exams or when I do homework. But they don't, they only come to me at the wrong time. And they are silly thoughts that make me sad and miserable, and they make me thing that there is no meaning to life. Whatever I am clinging onto is futile, then why live? I have been thinking about it for days, not sure if its due to PMS or what. I feel really sad about life, so meaningless, well, the devil of death welcomes us to his paradise with open arms at the end of the day anyway. SO what's the point? Of course I can give you all the reason, but I can't convince myself. When I think of how I will have to part with my family and friends, sooner or later, I feel so sad, Just like part of me has already wilted.
I am afraid of death. I truly am, since I learned about it years ago. I try to convince myself its the destiny of man, its nothing to be afraid of, its what I have to face at the end of the day, I just can't help it but shiver every time I think about it. This really sucks!!! I want to be one of those people who are so carefree, who can live their lives like there's no tomorrow, who is never fearful of what happens tomorrow. Sigh. I guess I really need to get a good grip of my life, so that I can stop thinking so much.
I feel like I have let so many friends down. You are always there for me, but I don't know if I have been there for you, or maybe not at all. Christabel, AC gang, Andrew, Aylwin and Tim, Sue Lin, Sing Hun, Chi Wei: especially you all. I don't know how other people can have all the time in the world to do this and that, work and play hard and still have time for their friends. I don't know how. I am learning. I am learning to take control of my life. I don't want it to just past fleetingly like that with no significance made. I will, from now on, try harder to manage my time better.
On a lighter note, I met Sue Lin today. Its like meeting a member of my family. We are totally comfortable with each other. We had total fun together, although we didn't do much. Had dinner, dessert, walked around aimlessly, talked about anything and everything. You know its damn true when you stop judging each other and solely accept the other party for who he or she is, same goes to your other half. I am glad I have such a close friend :D Its a blessing from God. We are going to crash Sing Hun's house on Thursday night since Friday is a public holiday :) Its gonna be fun.
Well I do admire Sue Lin for the enthusiasm she has for everything, and the strong will to just move on, no matter how unpleasant circumstances might be. I understand that she is having a tough time in RJ, she isn't enjoying herself. But she takes it on like its nothing. So why can't I? Why do I have to complain and whine about everything? Just ADAPT and accept! and stop complaining. She doesn't have many friends there, she stepped out of her comfort zone too. She has her hard times, but she deals with and overcomes them. I too, should be able to do the same. So why am I not doing it? Why am I forever relying on people around me? Why am I always seeking for that comfort? Why did I lose interest in things I loved? Shopping, playing sports. I think the only thing I will truly enjoy now is going Kbox. But then again, I hardly even sing nowadays, not even when I am alone. This is so ironic.
Sorry for this rather pointless post. I am very confused about myself now. As in about my life. On one hand I'm gaining control of it in many aspects, but I feel weak, I feel that something is lacking. Something that keeps me going. Its missing, and I am still searching for it. I lost the passion for anything in life. And I am searching for it so that my life will be purposeful again.
I called my dad just now, and my eyes swelled with tears as I talked to him. I have no idea why I am so emo, I just am. I want to spend every minute of my time with them, but its not possible.
Ahh I can't ramble on like this, I will die. How?? How?? How??
Well that aside, life goes on. I have homework homework and more homework. Heh mugging in the library tomorrow! I feel so guai, guai to the extend that I myself cannot believe it!! Wahaha. Maybe we can start the muggers' club. I shall be the president! haha. I need to read the John Sloman textbook!! And the Arnold one. I pray that I will find it in the library tomorrow! Haha then I ll be very happy! Wahaha.
I did some rearrangement to the songs in my Itunes. It took me hours, retyping the titles of the Chinese songs. Yes I listen mainly to Mandarin songs, call me Cheena or whatever. I am taking two Cheena subjects out of the four anyway. Anyway, I have tonnes and tonnes of Jacky Cheung's songs coz of my sister! Her bf loves him so she has the full collection of the songs, except for his newest album. I don't know what to do with them, I don't particularly like him or anything, so on one hand its annoying to have about 10-15% of the songs belonging to him, on the other hand its seems like such a waste to delete everything and I don't know which are nice! I think if I can stop throwing myself into this kind of dilemmas I will be happier. But being a true Libran, I can't help it, its my nature. How? And I want to get more songs from Phuong!!! I want new songs :)
I think this post is completely messy and disorganized. Please pardon my poor language since I am not thinking while I type. But my mood has certainly been improving since I began typing. This is so COOL!!!!
Shall I go on? Are you still with me?
We discussed the Wee Shu-Min elitism issue during GSC today. Surprisingly, many people agree with her saying that in this competitive market, if you cannot match up with the pace, its your own fault. Well I agree with her too, coz I don't see why is it not correct? Since I was never exposed to the other side of the story, like how is it wrong to say that? Its the education system. I admit that I have been trained to be a moron who takes in whatever is given to me. (once I actually thought that I was smart, forget it!) Its sad, I want to know the other side of it. I am losing touch with the inner me, with the sensible me, with the rational me, or perhaps I lost touch with her since long ago, but now she's starting to come back. Its creepy how the environment culture and education can influence you. Maybe I should go live in a HUTAN so that I would not be affected :) just joking,
I am scared of anything that crawls!!!
Do I look like I am happy? Miss you Ha! You bring so much laughter to my life, it seems dimmer without you :) Can I borrow some power to lighten it up again?
Reader's digest is a FUN read.
Before I end, since
Szeching told a fact about herself, let me tell you one about myself too! Actually, I am the one who doesn't comb her hair after bathing. At least she does it sometimes. I don't at all. I love messy hair so I never comb my hair after bathing unless there is an absolute need. In fact, I touch the comb less than three times a day, especially now with short and less hair left. Its best left as it is.
Try it! It feels really good!
Y10:35 pm
