Shall I? Can I? Will I?

Saturday, March 10, 2007

I cried hard, so damn hard.

Woke up extremely early this morning to take bus to SA, it takes super long!!!
I gave wrong directions so we got off the bus at the wrong stop. Oops, sorry guys. Was a bit late for school but luckily nothing bad happened to us. Attended the talk on House Council. SA is not that bad, really. Its just that I have so much love for AC and I feel so attached that I don't know how to live without it. And its bloody hard to have to learn to love SA. To adapt to it is actually easy, to enjoy it, not so. After th talk, we submitted the subject registration forms to our OGL and she told us that we could go off, coz obviously we were not willing to stay at all. So we left Orientation at 9, then waited for my other friend JunQing till 10+, so brilliant. But anyway it doesn't matter. I don't want to face reality.

Took bus back, the ride took about 35-40 minutes, which is not that bad really. But heh. Then time for the results. I opened my mail box and saw this:

Dear Hui Zyi,

We refer to your appeal for a change of JC.

2 We have reviewed your request and wish to inform you that your appeal is unsuccessful. In view of this, your school posting will still be Saint Andrew's Junior College and you are required to shift to the new hostel by 16 March 2007.

3 We wish you the best in your Pre-University Education.

Regards,
Mrs Doris Gan
Head, Pastoral Section School Planning & Placement Division § Ministry of Education, Singapore §
Tel +65 6 879 7430 § http://www.moe.gov.sg
CONFIDENTIALITY: If this email has been sent to you by mistake, please notify the sender and delete it immediately. As it may contain confidential information, the retention or dissemination of its contents may be an offence under the Official Secrets Act.

Then I cried. Like damn hard. Although I expected this outcome, part of me refused to accept it. Then I messaged to tell people, and Zro called, and I cried even harder. I don't know how now. I want to give up the scholarship and just stay in AC if I can, but I know it will be damn hard on my parents, and I really don't want to burden them. The cost is about S$2000 pr month plus a bi-annual fee of S$1000. I told her about the options I had. I don't want to talk to dad, I don't know how to face them. I don't want them to feel bad for me. I wished I could move on just as easily as other people do. But I don't want to give up something I am so passionate for so easily. That is not me at all.

Anyway, then both Zro and Phuong encouraged me to do the last thing I could. So I went to Clementi to settle my stuff. I was so drained of my energy. This immerse sense of fatigue overwhelmed me. The thing that persevered me on was my love for AC.

Let me sidetrack a bit, aunties are actually not as weak and fragile as they seem, I was just walking along the narrow corridor of the HDB shops. Then all the aunties that came my way, they never give way at all, expecting me to give way to them. Even if they are just one inch away from knocking into you, they just walk on, coz they know that you ll give way. Anyway this auntie elbowed me, I can't remember which part of my body. I think its arm. Gosh it was SO painful, and I muttered sorry. Something must be wrong with me. She just walked on as if nothing happened. I am afraid of aunties now.

Back to JAE. I seriously don't know what the outcome of my action will be. Although people have been assuring me that nothing bad can happen to me. I don't know, I just can't stand it anymore. Its like after so many years we still hear the same complaints over and over again. But nothing changed. If we don't do something about it, nothing will. Especially this year when there are so many cases whereby the schools accept us, but MOE doesn't. It saddens me to just listen to other people's story, let alone my own.

I forgot to eat lunch. Woke up at five plus just to realise that it time to go for campfire. Ate dinner with Ha and Phuong, then we went to school. Campfire was just about to start. The emcees were ----- Oliver and Quan Rong!!! Oh my gosh, he can't emcee for nuts. Haha, and he can't sing. Mrs.Chan spoke to us and I cried again. She is so nice, I can't help it. Whatever she said was just so meaningful, so true, so comforting. I just couldn't bear leaving. Everyone is there for a purpose, mine? I wanted to go right up to her and tell her how much I love her and appreciate her hard work and help. It was so hard for me, I was touched and I was sad. And then Arthya told us that the school has been appealing to keep all the first intake scholars since the start of the year. That is just how far we are willing to go out of love.

Then the programme moved on. I had a lot of fun!!!! With my dear friends by my side. I felt so loved, and that any obstacles ahead of me, they will see me too. These people have been very supportive all these while. So understanding and so caring. Thank you and I love you people!!!! It ended pretty early. Then mass dance time. I danced with two strangers, one went around to dance with girls, and the other looked new and lost. Erm, I wanted to help him but it made me feel so big sis, I decided to run away and just have fun. Sorry boy, I am sure you will enjoy AC!!!

Mass dance didn't last that long. They had to end early I think. So we went for outing at Holland V. Took an hour to wait and wait and decide where to go and we ended up eating ice-cream at Swensens. Giant Earthquake rocks!!!

Had a great time there in Swensens with them. It was so fun!!! I don't want to leave these people. It like I am now so contented with my life but I have to let it go. We went down and saw Tania's OG, Saralonde too but I don't know which OG. Haha I saw him ;P He was being high and lame. I was so high too and I didn't want to come back at all. But I had too. well We managed to get a cab that didn't mind taking 5 people.

Overall, today was fun, but deep down I am really sad. The Hostel has already informed us that we have to move out by Tuesday. I think I am moving on Sunday afternoon which is tomorrow. Oh my gosh, I can't believe all these are going to end tomorrow. Is there no other way out? I know that the easiest is to just accept what is given to me, but I don't want to!!

I know that I will do fine in SA, I know that eventually I will adapt well in McNair. But is that the only choice I have now? Thinking about it makes me shiver. It has never been this hard, never before.

AC Arts is good. SA's I am in no position to comment. But the cut-off for Arts in AC partial 7 or 8, while in SA its 10. So I guess statistics can give you the picture. Well, I don't know how big an impact it will be on me. But I think I need good teachers to guide me, and most importantly I need the inspiration. It doesn't come by easily, now that I have found it. I don't want to give it up.

For the best is yet to be.

Y1:22 am