Tuesday, March 06, 2007
As many of you probably have known, I got posted out of AC into SA. If am not wrong, I missed by 1 point or even less. I don't even want to start thinking about it. Yes it hurts, especially when you miss by a slight margin, its even worse than knowing you can't stay for sure. Now I truly understand the meaning of marginal cost and benefit, in economic terms.
Well the journey of discovery wasn't as tough as I imagined it to be. We received a pep talk from our Teacher Mentor yesterday, and I just had this strong feeling I would be one of those that he was referring to. And throughout the rest of the day, the thought of me being posted out kept coming back, as if I already know that that would be it.
So I didn't sleep well last night, I kept waking up to check the time. Maybe sub-consciously I was still damn nervous. At 730, I woke up. Saw Ha's message asking me about postings so I checked it. I didn't even turn off my computer the night before as I didn't think I could bear waiting for the computer to be turned on. So I typed in my FIN, and waited. Then it came out - Saint Andrew's Junior College (Arts). I refreshed the page, checked again then went on to check suelin's result. Of course she got posted into RJ without fail. Then I went back under my blanket and started tearing silently, it took a while before I finally fell asleep.
It was about 1030 when I woke up. Was supposed to meet RuiYun, Vikki and Xu lu together with Ha in Orchard at 11. We planned to go KBox. At first Vikki was saying that if she needed to appeal she won't go, but it turned out that I was the one who needed to appeal. So the outing was canceled. I checked out the website of SAJC, the subjects offered and CCAs, and I decided at the bottom of my heart that it can never replace ACJC as my alma mater. I just know it. But I was so reluctant to appeal at first, as I don't want to give myself false hope. I know chances of successful appeals are slim for scholars, the probability is almost zero. I didn't want myself hurt once again. Talked to Szeching and the others over lunch, finally I decided to give it a try. Whatever it takes for me to get back in.
So I called Mr Paul Koh, the Chairman of ACS Oldham Hall Boarding School, to get his help with my appeal. He didn't say much but asked me to send him my particulars. He is speaking to my Principal, Mrs. Chan, directly. I am not sure of what he could do to help, although he has the connections, I don't even know if he will do much at all. Anyway, at this point of time, I guess I just have to have faith in him that he will do the best he can to help. As I'm typing this, I recalled the story he once told us during chapel about running all over the place to help a Singaporean student who was dying with some disease that needed a kidney transplant. It happened in Britain when he was based there as a diplomat. Yes, that's the AC spirit that I am looking at. How can I not trust him?
Anyway next I went to school to see my form teacher to inform her about my appeal, and photocopy necessary documents. But she wasn't there when I went. So we went to photocopy, then I realised that I didn't bring my JAE verification slip, which means I couldn't submit my application. Next, we went to see the HOD of Pe/CCA Mr Mark Ng about initiating a new CCA, the Home Economics Society(don't laugh, its just a tentative name!). Hopefully I could use it to support my case, as I have no CCA in AC for back-up. His reply was utterly disappointing although I do agree with him that we didn't think through the idea before approaching him. I thought that was what we wanted, him to do the thinking, then if it works only we go about doing it. So when I came out my heart sank a little lower.
It would have been better if we hadn't talked to my econs teacher. We saw her at the Hub where the appeal was on-going, so we went over to talk to her. She mentioned that with no special skills and talents, she doubted I could get in. So I came up with my last resort which is first aid, as that was probably the only skill I am left with after being stripped off the possibility of using leadership and choir rejected me. Then we met my teacher mentor outside the staff room while paging for the teacher-in-charge of the First Aid Society. I don't know why but as I saw him tears swell up in my eyes, but I managed to hold it in anyway. He was genuinely sympathetic with me, not that he could do much.
Then I talked to my form teacher who promised to help, and then met my econs teacher again. So we discussed my appeal case again and this is when I truly truly felt like breaking down, as my econs tutor put it very bluntly that it would be very hard. A hard cold fact that I refused to admit. I was very hurt, but I understand that it was the truth. Well so that was about as much as I could do. As I didn't get a chance to meet the FA teachers, I will have to go back tomorrow to meet them.
In my last attempt to find the FA teachers at the staff room, I met Neville who talked rubbish with my TM, then with the VP Mr. Loo. I thought what he said was quite embarrassingly stupid but I know he meant well, he was trying his best to help. I was touched. Then he even suggested that I see Mrs.Chan personally to talk about my case and give her my promise. I admire him for having the courage to do anything but I know that for me, its just not possible, like I would screw up even more in front of her. Well miracles like his kind happen only on certain people, like him.
Then I did my letter of appeal as my last attempt to help myself, I don't know what else I can do already. I can feel that I am breaking down, finally, after the whole day. I just can't take it anymore. Why am I always the unlucky one who is on the wrong side of the margin? With one less point for HCL or English or Geog I could have gotten in. Well, again nothing is definite. Its like after you have done all that you can do you realise that there's no way to recover what has been lost. I don't know. I still stand a chance but chances are so slim, I can't give myself anymore false hopes.
Well I have to say a lot of thank yous t many many people who have helped and cared for me.
Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart.
Firstly Szeching, thank you for those inputs from your senior and all your encouragements, thank you for being my roommate and being there for me.
Ha, thank you for accompanying me to school, listening to me whine over and over again, and doing whatever it takes.
Phuong, thank you for reading my appeal letter, for lending me Trang's letter, and for all the reassurance.
Quynh, thank you for lending me your phone to call Mr Koh when mine was faulty, and simply being there for me.
Neville, thank you for all that you have done to help, your suggestions and attempts.
Suelin, thank you for being there to comfort me and simply for having faith in me.
Mdm.Teo, thank you for being such a wonderful form teacher who is so patient with me.
Econs tutor(I forgot your name), although I am upset by your remarks, thank you for your blun and contructive inputs. yes I need to face reality.
Mr Soh(TM), thank you for talking to me and reassuring me that SA is good. I do know that but I love AC dearly.
Weikit, thank you for worrying for me, and cecking my results first thing in the morning.
Andrew, for talking to me when I was bored, and telling me that being closer to you is good (?!)Dolphin, thank you for being my inspiration and reason to go on.
And anyone else whom I missed out, I'm so sorry my mind is very occupied at the moment.
All of you out there, thank you for your sympathy and concern.
I don't know how long I can hang on to this faith, this false hope. As much as I know its a false hope, I refuse to believe that I am closing this chapter in AC so soon. There are always possibilities and exceptions. Well but I can't dream too high. As I report to SA for Orientation tomorrow, I have to prepare myself for a new chapter, whether or not it is to come. Of course, I am forever grateful for the wonderful experiences the past months have brought. Never have I gained so much in such a short time. It amazes me and it thrills me. Hopefully this chapter could continue, for a long long time to come. My instinct tells me that I will stay, to believe or not to believe?
Till then, let me just, for the last time, soak my blanket in tears. Here I come, Mr Dimples.
Y11:21 pm
